Memorial Day: Beyond the BBQ

Supporting Veterans and Families Through Trauma

Memorial Day is a time of remembrance—a day we collectively pause to honor the lives lost in military service. But for many veterans and their families, Memorial Day is not just symbolic—it’s personal. It brings with it the weight of memories, the sting of trauma, and the complex emotional landscape that follows deployment, loss, and survival.

As a therapist who works closely with trauma, and as someone with personal experience with a military family member, I want to speak to both the invisible wounds veterans carry and the very real impact on their loved ones, especially children. Whether someone returned home or didn’t return at all, the ripple effects run deep.

A Personal Note

I’ll never forget the day my brother called me, letting me know he was being deployed. Shortly thereafter, I received an email with instructions—harrowing ones—about what to do if he was captured. It was surreal and terrifying. This wasn’t just a scene from a movie; it was my family, my brother, and a very real danger. That concern stayed with me every single day he was gone.

While he was away, his kids tried to make sense of his absence in the only way they could. My nephew—who idolized his dad—clung to a mantra that gave him some structure and understanding: "Daddy is gone to fight bad guys. Because I am little, I have to stay with Mommy. But when I am older, I can fight bad guys too." It was heartbreaking and gave a sense of support all at once.

When my brother came home, we were all beyond grateful. But reintegration wasn’t simple. My niece, only three at the time, didn’t understand why her daddy had left. She had trouble reconnecting, and the joy of the reunion was mixed with confusion, anxiety, and distance. No one teaches you how to come back from deployment—not just the soldier, but the family, too.

PTSD, Trauma and Veterans

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and related trauma disorders are deeply prevalent among veterans, and their effects are often long-lasting and far-reaching. The trauma endured during service can lead to a range of symptoms, and these symptoms don’t just fade with time—they can remain embedded in a veteran’s daily life for years or even decades after returning home. Many service members carry silent wounds—emotional, psychological, and spiritual pain they may feel too ashamed, guarded, or overwhelmed to talk about. For some, survival mode never truly switches off, making it difficult to feel safe, connected, or understood—even in their own homes.

Signs of trauma may include:

• Irritability or anger

• Withdrawal from family or social situations

• Avoidance of reminders of war/deployment

• Difficulty sleeping or concentrating

• Other mental health challenges like OCD, anxiety, and depression

  
  

Veterans may not always seek help right away—sometimes because they’ve been conditioned to push through pain, or because the stigma around mental health in the military is complicated. For families, especially spouses and children, it can be heartbreaking to witness the person they love in pain. They may feel helpless as trauma silently steals pieces of connection and joy. It’s a quiet kind of grief—one that builds over time, wrapped in confusion, fear, and the desperate hope that healing will come.

The Hidden Grief of Families

While veterans serve on the front lines, families—especially children—carry their own invisible burdens, often with little recognition or support. The emotional toll of having a parent deployed—or returning home changed—can be immense. Children don’t always have the words to express their fears, confusion, or grief, so their struggles often show up in behavior or body language. Even young kids can internalize a sense of instability, wondering if their world will ever feel the same again. Kids may:

• Experience separation anxiety

• Have trouble trusting adults or routines

• Exhibit behavioral regressions

• Feel guilt or confusion if a parent is emotionally distant

  
  

For spouses and partners, they often become the emotional anchors of the household, managing not only the day-to-day responsibilities—like finances, parenting, and logistics—but also the emotional weight of uncertainty, fear, and longing. While children may express their confusion outwardly, partners often internalize the stress, trying to stay strong for everyone else. And even reunions, which many look forward to as a light at the end of a long tunnel, can be surprisingly difficult. Trauma doesn’t disappear the moment someone walks through the door. It can create emotional distance, miscommunication, and intimacy struggles. The person returning may not be the same, and neither is the one who stayed behind. Reconnection takes time, patience, and often, outside support.

How to Support Veterans and Their Families

If you are a veteran, the partner of one, or you care about someone in a military family, here are a few gentle, trauma-informed suggestions:

For Veterans:

• Therapy is not weakness. Trauma is a wound, not a failure. EMDR, somatic therapies, and trauma-informed counseling can be life-changing.

• Talk about your needs. If you're not ready to talk about your experience, that’s okay—but let loved ones know how they can support you, even if it is as simple as space or a hug.

• Create predictable routines. This helps reduce anxiety and re-establish safety, especially in early reentry.

For Families:

• Validate your children’s feelings. Don’t minimize their grief or confusion. Use age-appropriate language to explain where their parent went and why.

• Model regulation. Children mirror what they see. Take breaks when overwhelmed and practice calm coping strategies.

• Seek family support. Therapy isn’t just for the veteran—it can help partners and kids make sense of everything, too.

Final Reflections

This Memorial Day, as you gather with friends and family or observe a quiet moment of remembrance, take a little extra time to check in—with a veteran, a military spouse, or a child who might not have the words for their grief.

To the veterans who served and the families who held down the fort—we see you. Your stories matter. Your pain is valid. And relief is possible.

If you or someone you love is navigating the emotional toll of military trauma, Create Perspective Counseling offers a free 15-minute consultation to see how therapy might be supportive. You don’t have to go through this alone.