Effective Tools to Protect Yourself and Foster Healthy Relationships
People who need boundaries will often push back. So, what do you do when you’re at your limit, and you’ve tried the ACT Model several times but it’s just not working? In this blog, we’ll explore the ultimate boundary—one that is completely within your control when compliance is necessary.
A common misconception about boundaries is that the other person has to respect what you're communicating. This isn’t true. The purpose of boundaries is to protect yourself from the other person's actions. Relying on whether someone follows your boundaries places the power in their hands. Boundaries are meant to empower and protect you, regardless of the other person's response.
It’s recommended to cycle through the ACT Model as many times as possible before resorting to this boundary, as it represents the ultimate limit. Boundaries naturally create distance and separation, and to preserve the relationship, the ACT Model is the best first solution. However, when peace and control over your life are at stake, this becomes a valuable final option. The following method is for the strictest level of boundaries.
Communicating Healthy Strict Boundaries: If/Then Statements
So, how do you effectively communicate or enforce strict, healthy boundaries? The "If/Then" statement, developed by Dr. Gary Landreth, is a useful tool applicable to anyone, regardless of age. Here’s how it works:
“If you choose ABC, then you choose XYZ.”
The key to making this strategy effective lies in the phrase “you choose” and in consistently following through. This language shifts control and responsibility to the other person, making it clear that they are in charge of the consequence. If they choose to push a boundary, they choose for you to disengage. Similarly, with children, if they continue to play, the result is losing their toy. On the other hand, they can exercise self-control and avoid the consequence altogether.
It’s also important to avoid labeling their choice as a “good” or “bad” decision. This keeps you from positioning yourself as the authority over their life and helps return responsibility to them. Letting them decide how they feel about their choice—whether they are satisfied or disappointed—empowers them to take ownership of their actions.
Finally, following through is crucial. As Brené Brown states, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” Setting clear boundaries creates a sense of safety and understanding in relationships. When you fail to follow through, it can lead to uncertainty and insecurity, making others doubt whether you mean what you say. It's far more respectful and kind to follow through on your word.
Example:
Let’s say your in-laws keep asking when you’ll have children, and you don’t want to discuss it. Start with the ACT Model:
Acknowledge their feelings: “I understand you’re curious about my thoughts on having kids.”
Communicate the boundary: “That subject is not up for discussion.”
Target acceptable alternatives: “Would you like to talk about the weather or your job?”
If they persist, which they might, cycle through the ACT Model again, changing the acknowledgement part only. Once you’ve reached your limit, use the If/Then statement:
“If you choose to press about family plans, then you choose for this conversation to end.”
When they argue, defend, or push further, you must follow through—walk away, hang up, or stop responding via text. This method also works with children:
“If you choose to keep playing, then you choose to have the toy/video game taken away.”
“If you choose not to get in the car, then you choose not to ride bikes tonight.”
“If you choose to keep talking back, then you choose to lose phone privileges.”
Final Thoughts on Boundaries
Boundaries are crucial for maintaining balance and self-respect. You’ll know you’re setting them effectively when you feel a sense of relief or empowerment after doing so. Begin with the ACT Model: acknowledge the other person’s feelings, communicate your limit, and offer acceptable alternatives. If you’ve cycled through the ACT Model multiple times and have reached your limit, then transition to If/Then statements. Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially in the moment, but by following through without judgment, you’ll strengthen your ability to assert them successfully.
If you’re struggling to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships, consider scheduling a
. We can explore your specific challenges and determine if therapy could be helpful.
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