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How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Karissa

Updated: Oct 4, 2024

Do you need boundaries or think you need them but struggle to implement them because people “just don’t listen or respect them”? These are common concerns that often arise in counseling when discussing relationships. In this blog, we’ll explore the definition of boundaries, practical ways to apply them, and how to manage the thoughts and emotions that can surface when setting boundaries.

 

One common misconception about boundaries is that the other person has to respect what you're communicating. This isn't true. The purpose of boundaries is to protect yourself from the other person's actions. Relying on whether someone follows your boundaries takes the power away from you and places it in their hands. The whole point of boundaries is to empower and protect yourself, regardless of the other person's response. This also means that boundaries can be flexible—you can adjust them as needed, whether you choose to make them stricter or more relaxed, depending on the situation.

Two young women in a tense moment, one with her hand raised as if setting a boundary, the other looking surprised or concerned. The image conveys themes of setting boundaries, emotional tension, and personal space, relevant to mental health and relationship dynamics

 

Communicating Healthy Boundaries: The ACT Model

 

So, how do you effectively communicate or enforce healthy boundaries? The ACT Model, developed by Dr. Gary Landreth, is a useful tool that can be applied to anyone, regardless of age. Here's how it works:

 

1. Acknowledge the person’s feelings, wishes, or wants. This lets the other person know you understand their perspective, and research shows that starting with their outlook makes them more likely to respect your boundaries.

2. Communicate the limit. Clearly and directly state your boundary.

3. Target acceptable alternatives. Offer options that you're comfortable with, giving the other person a sense of control while still honoring your boundaries.

 

It’s recommended to cycle through the ACT Model as many times as needed, adjusting the 'Acknowledge' part to actively listen and reflect on the other person’s rebuttals.

 

For example, let’s say your partner is consistently late, which makes you late for events. Using the ACT Model, your conversation might look like this:

 

Acknowledge: “I understand that you want to ride with me to my work dinner and that you’re not intentionally being late.”

Communicate: “This Thursday, I need to be on time to meet with key stakeholders at my company.”

Target: “Would you like to drive separately, or would you prefer to stay home?”

 

Granted, this is easier said than done, especially in the moment. However, the more you practice, the easier it becomes to reclaim control over situations in your life.

 

Managing Emotions When Setting Boundaries

 

Setting boundaries can bring up a range of emotions. Often, developing healthy boundaries leads to feelings of relief, freedom, peace, or optimism. However, in the beginning, it can provoke guilt, frustration, or even anger, especially when dealing with adults.

 

To help with these challenging emotions, I like to use the analogy of a child’s bedtime and ice cream. Most adults wouldn’t give a 3-year-old ice cream right before bed for various reasons, such as its impact on sleep. When the child inevitably tests that boundary by throwing a fit, the adult typically doesn’t feel guilty for saying no—they know it’s for the child’s benefit. Adults can act similarly when boundaries are set, possibly using manipulative tactics like tears or anger to get their way. By reframing the situation as dealing with a "3-year-old in adult form," you may find it easier to remain firm without regret, knowing that this is for the relationship’s benefit.

 

Final Thoughts on Boundaries

 

Boundaries are essential for maintaining control and balance in your life. The ACT Modelacknowledge the other person's feelings, communicate the limit, and target acceptable alternatives—is a practical and effective way to set boundaries. While it's normal for different emotions to arise when implementing boundaries, with time and practice, you’ll feel more empowered and in control.

 

If you’re having difficulty establishing healthy boundaries in your relationships, I encourage you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. We can explore your challenges together and determine if therapy could be beneficial for your journey.

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