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Karissa

Grief (part 2, for you)

Updated: Oct 4

Grief is one of the most isolating and devastating experiences anyone can go through. After losing someone significant, it's often hard to know what you need or how to navigate the overwhelming emotions. In this second part of our blog series, I’ll outline a few key aspects to keep in mind as you go through this journey.

 

Similar to Part 1, here are a few disclaimers: This article focuses on those who have lost an immediate family member. While the loss of extended family members can also be painful, the grief associated with losing someone so close often feels uniquely profound. Another important point is that grief is a deeply personal experience, and everyone grieves differently. What I outline here isn’t the only way to grieve healthily—it’s just one set of ideas. Lastly, grief is not a one-time event; it's a process that evolves as you adjust to your "new normal." While you may long to return to your old life, these events have permanently impacted you, and this journey will most likely never truly end.

 

For Those Grieving:

 

It sucks. 

(Which is an understatement.)

 

The numbness you feel after losing a loved one is incomparable. And when that numbness starts to wear off, the pain that follows is almost unbearable. The best analogy I can offer is being hit by a massive ocean wave. You lose your sense of direction, struggling for air because you weren’t prepared. Just as you surface, another wave drags you back under. This cycle repeats itself—sometimes leaving you desperate for breath, sometimes wondering if the waves will ever stop.

 

But you will get to the surface. The waves will spread out, and the intensity will lessen.

 

Grief comes in waves. At times, it feels suffocating. At others, you may be able to catch your breath. You might feel a choking sensation in your throat or forget important dates you once shared with your loved one. There will be moments when all you want is that person back. You’re learning what life looks like without them, and that is excruciatingly painful.

 

Illustration of a large green ball inside a brown box with a pink "pain button" on the left side of the box. The image depicts the concept of grief as a ball pressing on the pain button. As the ball shrinks over time, it hits the button less frequently. Labeled "Grief: The ball and the box."

Lauren Herschel explains this pain well. She describes it as holding a box with a pain button inside. When you lose someone, the box fills with a huge ball that constantly presses the button, triggering your pain. Over time, the ball gets smaller, so it doesn’t hit the button as frequently or for as long.

 

The constant pain is hard for others to witness, and often, well-meaning people will try to jump into "fix-it" mode to alleviate it. But grief isn’t something that can be fixed. It’s important to understand that people will make mistakes and may say or do things that unintentionally hurt. Knowing this in advance can help prepare you and remind you that you’re not alone in this experience.

 

When others ask, "What do you need?" it’s okay not to know. You’ve just gone through one hell of a life event, perhaps for the first time. It makes sense not to know what would help.

 

Here are some things you might consider asking for:

- Doing your laundry

- Cleaning your home

- Bringing you a meal

- Taking time off work

- A phone call a few weeks later to check in

- Suggestions for a comedy movie or show

- Financial support to offset funeral expenses (like hotel or travel costs)

- Going for a walk outside

- Someone to watch your kids for a day or overnight

 

These tasks might seem basic, and you might even feel guilty asking for them. But remember, you’re just trying to survive and catch your breath. Most people genuinely want to help; they just don’t know how unless you tell them.

 

Taking care of yourself during this time is essential for moving past the initial shock of loss. Basic self-care—showering, sleeping, brushing your teeth, and maintaining your hair—can prevent you from falling into deeper despair. It's also easy during this time to beat yourself up with “could’ve,” “would’ve,” “should’ve” thoughts. Even if you feel guilty about ordering takeout every night, remember, you’ve just gone through trauma. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break.

 

It’s also worth noting that grief can manifest in different coping behaviors. Some people throw themselves into activities like going to the movies, while others may turn to less healthy outlets, like alcohol. I urge you to be mindful and intentional in your choices, rather than letting them control you.

 

A two-part illustration comparing the "stages of grief" to the reality of grieving. The top shows a linear progression from denial, anger, bargaining, depression, to acceptance. The bottom shows a chaotic mix of colorful dots, symbolizing the messy, non-linear reality of grief.

Finally, while research often highlights the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—grief is not a linear process. You may experience moments of acceptance and, a minute later, be overwhelmed with anger. Healing doesn’t follow a set path. While it might be tempting to force yourself through the stages to “feel better” or “finish grieving,” this is unlikely. Instead, use this framework to develop awareness of the emotions you’re experiencing, knowing they may shift.

 

There are many ways to grieve in a healthy manner. By voicing your needs to others and giving yourself the time and space to process, you can begin to heal, adjust, and accept the reality of your loss. Sometimes, the pain is too much to carry alone. Therapists are here to share that burden with you. At Create Perspective Counseling, there is open availability, so you can see someone as soon as possible. Healing is possible, and growth is inevitable. We hope you take the courageous first step and seek out support during this difficult time. 

 

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